Community can be defined in many ways. According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, community is “a unified body of individuals.” Here at Red Door Community, our unifying factor is cancer. When we ask our members what is so special about our free cancer support program, they always mention the feeling and impact of our welcoming community.
We’re honored to share with you today, one example of how our community has both lifted and then been lifted by one member, Madeline. She first visited us as Gilda’s Club NYC, when her mother was diagnosed with brain cancer and participated in our Children’s Program, which at the time was called Noogieland and the weekly support group she attended Noogie Nights. Madeline is now a member of our Teens program and a volunteer on our Junior Associate Board.
Madeline decided to share her experience with Gilda’s Club NYC, now known as Red Door Community, in hopes of showing other children, teens, and families touched by cancer what the experience is like and how it can positively impact their own experience with cancer. Below is a transcript of remarks that Madeline gave to the Board at the June Board meeting.
My name is Madeline, and I am currently in the Teens Connect group at Gilda’s Club, now known as Red Door Community. My mother passed away from brain cancer when I was 12. In the last six years, I have had the wonderful experience of moving from the children’s support group, Noogie Nights, to the Teen group, to being a volunteer with the Junior Associate Board.
In 2013, my mother was diagnosed with brain cancer. A few years after she was diagnosed, it became clear that my father, my younger sister, and I needed some type of support, so we began going to a therapist in 2015. However, it was hard and sometimes uncomfortable to speak one-on-one. Later that year, we joined Gilda’s Club NYC [Red Door Community] instead.
I remember walking into the clubhouse and being a little nervous. I remember the staircase leading to the basement, and I remember seeing other kids. I remember colorful wallpaper and painted ceiling tiles, and most of all I remember the sensation of being safe.
In the weekly children’s support group, we made art, did improv classes, visited with emotional support dogs, and played board games. I remember one activity in particular where we decorated notepads with construction paper. Each week we would add a diary entry about what we did in the support group, our feelings, or how the week was. Sometimes I would just draw, but it was important for me to have a space to think about what I was going through and be removed from the stressors in my life.
We did all of the normal activities I expect kids do at day camps and after school clubs, but it was different. Normally, when you’re in after school, you work to make friends. At Gilda’s Club [Red Door Community], you don’t have to try so hard. Everyone is there for the same reason, and you already know it’s a safe place when you enter. There’s something about not having to explain yourself and why you feel the ways you do that welcomes you and makes you part of a group.
I made friends with other kids around my age and met others who were younger than me but able to speak comfortably about their experience with cancer. Seeing other children who needed the support that I found here made me feel a responsibility to open up and help them. There’s this feeling of loneliness that comes with having a deceased parent, and Gilda’s Club [Red Door Community] helped me find others experiencing this or something similar.
In December of 2016, my mother passed away. The day after, we went to the Annual Winter Wonderland Holiday Party. The moment we walked in, Michele, one of the social workers, came up to hug me and my sister, telling us how happy she was that we came. We made bats out of black construction paper and white crayons, and we decorated huge gingerbread men. What sticks with me from this day is the feeling of happiness. I wasn’t thinking about my mom. I was thinking about how many buttons a normal gingerbread man has on his shirt.
This community has a mix of talking about everything you’re going through and forgetting about why you’re there in the first place. You can just be a normal kid or teenager hanging out with friends after school, or you can be part of a cancer support group, helping each other sort out feelings and emotions.
Sometimes, it is isolating when people don’t know that my mother is dead or that she died from cancer. When you feel like no one else understands how you feel about something, it doesn’t feel good. At [Red Door Community], everyone understands this though. You are introduced to people who you don’t have to explain yourself to. [Red Door Community] creates this space where you’re not alone. Yes, your individual struggle is unique, but here there are so many others who understand your struggle to help you through it.
After another year of the bereavement group for children, I aged out and transitioned to Teens Connect. I also joined the Junior Associate Board and met other teens. Teens Connect is a little different from the Noogieland [children’s] group, we still play games but mostly we talk. Sometimes it’s a serious topic, like how people react when you tell them about your experience with cancer or ways to cope when you are stressed out by family, friends, and school. Other times it’s just getting to know each other and complaining about school or comparing musical tastes.
[Red Door Community] is a community, and when you are in the children and teens group, you feel a connection to others and a duty to give back. My latest experience has been volunteering – first for Club Sparkle when it was in person, playing games like UNO, Connect 4, and chess with the kids and participating in workshops, like sports and tag games on the first floor. And then, because of COVID-19, I helped come up with a list of virtual activities to do in the children’s group and helped facilitate scavenger hunts virtually. When I volunteer for the younger kids, I remember being in these groups and wanting to do interactive workshops. I tried to create a comparable experience through Zoom.
The community at Gilda’s Club [Red Door Community] has had an enormous impact on my life. I have new friends and adults who I am comfortable talking to about my mom and my experience with cancer, and I don’t feel alone. I am more open and relaxed when speaking about cancer, and I feel welcomed and supported, which is probably the best thing that can happen to you when grieving the loss of someone you love.
Editor’s Note: Madeline wrote and shared this story in June of 2020
before we officially changed our name to Red Door Community.
