For over 30 years, I’ve had the privilege of listening to thousands of Red Door Community members share their personal experiences—both the helpful and the hurtful things said to them by well-meaning family and friends trying to offer support. These conversations have revealed just how powerful words can be in shaping a person’s emotional experience living with cancer.
Below is a guide based on those shared experiences to help you navigate what to say—and what to avoid—when someone you care about is facing a cancer diagnosis.
What to Say:
- Offer empathy, not solutions. Simple, heartfelt responses like “I’m so sorry you’re going through this” or “I’m here for you in whatever way you need” can be very comforting.
- Listen actively. Let them talk without interrupting, judging, or trying to fix things. Sometimes your presence is more valuable than your words.
- Ask how you can help. Be specific: “Can I bring you dinner this week?” or “Would you like a ride to your next appointment?”
- Respect their lead. Some may want to talk openly; others may not. Follow their cues about how much they want to share.
- Stay connected. Continue reaching out, even just to check in. A simple message saying “Thinking of you today” can go a long way.
What Not to Say:
- Avoid clichés and false reassurance. Phrases like “Everything happens for a reason” or “You’ll be fine” can feel dismissive.
- Don’t make it about yourself. Resist the urge to share stories about others with cancer unless asked—this moment is about them.
- Avoid offering unproven advice. Recommending alternative treatments or miracle cures can be overwhelming or even harmful.
- Don’t minimize their feelings. Saying “At least it’s not…” or “It could be worse” invalidates their experience.
- Don’t disappear. Silence or avoidance can feel like abandonment. Even if you’re unsure what to say, showing you care matters.
When someone is diagnosed with cancer, your support—shown through listening, presence, and thoughtful, respectful communication—can be one of the most powerful gifts you offer.
Post written by Migdalia Torres, Executive Director of Program at Red Door Community
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